Last night I talked to a friend and I have been wallowing about the things I hate about this guy at work named Jess. He's a fellow trainee who talks too much for a guy, has a funny voice, and drools too much whenever a cute chick comes his way. I hated his guts. But one of the things I have realized last night is that one of the reasons that I hate this guy is that he is stealing the spotlight from me (not that I'm a Hollywood star or something like that). But what he's doing at training is what I used to do back in college. Cracking jokes while the professor is talking, people laughing at my jokes, and having the ability to let people know that I can be good at what I do, best even. And last night, the other guys from work are talking about him (while he is not there) as if he were some "Golden Calf". What I was feeling all boils down to JEALOUSY. I am utterly insecure, and I feel like I am very helpless. It's like, there's simply nothing I could ever do to be better than him. Maybe because this is not the job where my best assets fit.
But you know what? Today I have realized that maybe, I was just too PROUD. And I always thought that wherever I go, I'll always fit in and stand out. I have learned that maybe, it's time for me to step out of that "spotlight" and be back stage, helping out the one in the spotlight. So, I have decided that starting on Monday, I shall go up to him, shake his hands and pat his back, not because I am forced to but because I recognize his talents, and that he is actually good at what he does which makes him deserving of my commendation. If I was in the "spotlight" before, then I give back the favor by giving the spotlight to someone else. In this case, to Jess. So, with all sincerity, I wish him the best, and hope that he'll reach his dreams because he deserves it. ;-D
La vie n'est pas toujours facile...
 | Changes | Feb 1, '08 11:17 PM
for everyone |
Life is full of clichés and one of them is "Change is inevitable". It is true that people leave and some get left behind. It's not really a question of who gets to leave and who gets left behind. It's a question of how long before one has to leave, and the reason for the so-called "leaving". But whatever the reason behind, it all leads to changes. Just a few months ago, I got left behind…but then just a few days ago, I had to leave myself. Whether you're the one who gets left behind, or you're the one who leaves, the pain never changes…it's all the same. But there's only one way out…dealing with the pain. As the song goes…"Time may change me But I cant trace time". (David Bowie-Changes)
I miss my mom's home cooked meal, I miss the dinner conversations about religion and politics with my dad and I miss the petit and severe arguments with my little brother. They're just a few of those that I miss. Missing is painful. It breaks my heart each time I realize that all I could ever do is think of them and not being able to talk to them, eat dinner with them, hug them…And what's even painful is realizing that they too miss you. It becomes even more painful when you learn to move on, and know that someday, the people you missed so much learns to move on too…without you.
Yes, change is inevitable. The pain may walk away just like a fine summer day, but one thing remains the same and perpetual…love. Wherever you go, for whatever reason, and pain may come and go with each passing of life's chapters, and change may occur every so often, but "love" will leave a permanent mark on your soul, reminding you that there's ALWAYS a home to come HOME to...
La vie n'est pas toujours facile...
Hi y'all! It's been quite a while since I've posted something here in multiply. Well, I've been really busy refining my "craft". hehe. As part of my being "serious" with ART, I've decided to acquire a new skill, in addition to my sketching skill and 3d modeling skill. I figured it would greatly benefit my 3d skill mostly particularly in composition and texturing. It's digital painting, hence the blog title... ;-D I thought it shall also help me come up with new concepts without having to go through the whole 3d modeling stage. So, that way, I get to see the look-and-feel of my concept even before I model it maya.  The image you see above is entitled "The Window". This is my very FIRST digital painting. The last time I painted was when I was in my SOPHOMORE YEAR...nope, not college...HIGHSCHOOL. Hahha. This painting was done in Corel Painter X and effects, color correction and details were added in Photoshop. This painting was really unplanned. It was just supposed to be a STUDY of the human eyes. I was just trying to see if I could paint realistic human eyes in Painter X using just a mouse. Yep, you heard it right...a mouse! No drawing tablet (since i can't really afford one right now...at least not the good ones). And I also discovered that I can make better strokes using a TRACKBALL mouse than an optical mouse. So, that's what I've used in the entire painting process. It took me 3 days (3 hours per day, total of 9 hours) to finish this painting since it was not planned and all. Which means, I just sat in front of my laptop, started painting, and see what comes out. No sketch whatever. None the less I'm still very happy with the outcome. Of course it could use a lot of improvements but I could only do so much on my FIRST painting.
Yesterday, I did a little doodling on my lil old sketch book. And I'm coming up with a new digital painting out from the sketch I did yesterday. I'm giving it the title "Aswang". Hopefully I'd finish it in a few days.
In the beginning, there was only God. He was a happy God. He wanted to see how his smile looks like, so he created a mirror. He held it up to his face and he saw beauty. He knew how perfect and how beautiful he is, and he is even more happy seeing himself in the mirror. However, it was not the image of him that he wanted to see. So, within the vastness of the void around him he commanded, "Let there be light!" And so there was light. He created the universe, all creatures great and small, and then he created man of whom he was greatly pleased. Man propagated to the 4 corners of the earth. It was just the mirror that God dreamed to glance at. At first, they gave a pretty accurate reflection of God's appearance, and he was happy for a while. But then a certain corrupting force came to distort his image on the mirror. He was called the DEVIL. With his vain and envious nature, he wanted to see his own image on the MIRROR that God himself created. God's most beautiful smile reflected on the mirror started to fade. God knew he had to do something, so he shed a single drop of tear and dropped it into the mirror. The TEAR took the form of a man, and he was called "Immanuel". The TEAR made a ripple on the mirror, and it restored God's reflection on it. Once more, God can see his beautiful smile on the mirror, and he was happy…for a while.
Months ago, frustrations came rushing into my life that I was just about to drown. I had always perceived myself as an optimist. And I have tried desperately to convince myself that there's something "great" waiting for me "out there". But it came to a point where I began to think that no amount of optimism could ever help me pull through. The first of the "set" of catastrophes that TRIED to sweep off my optimism was my inability to finish college "on time". Yes, I was upset because this was not the "four years later" transition I had in mind when I re-entered college. I was imagining the kind of "four years later" transition that one sees in movies like "legally blonde", where in one scene the lead actress was a good-for-nothing dumb blonde, and then four years later, voila! She graduated top of her class! Yes, failing myself is a bummer, but what's even more upsetting is that I let my mom down for the nth time! When I delivered her the news, she just looked at me without saying a word, but her eyes said it all. And it said, "it's ok, just try again." I was never raised to be "mellow dramatic", and neither was she, but at that moment, hers was the greatest contribution to my heart's wrecking. Her kindness just made me realize that there's nothing for me to prove anymore, it's because I've proven myself already…to be a sheer and perpetual FAILURE. I'm simply the greatest failure the world has ever known. Since then I started to loose faith in myself and in effect, I also began to loose faith in God. Months passed and I have surpassed most of the trials and it is only recently that I feel like writing about my realizations brought about by my SEEMINGLY catastrophic experience. And one of the important lessons I have learned is that God is always present in any situation in everyone's life. You may not hear him answering your questions or requests, but rest assured, there's ALWAYS an answer…and it often comes in the most unconventional manner. Last summer, while all of my friends left for another city to start their lives in the "real world", I was left in the university like a stranger that "don't matter" all over again, I felt like I should do something that would take my mind off my miseries. I felt like I should do something that will make me feel useful. So, I joined this short film competition. Amidst my dark and gloomy mind those days came a ray of hope. I said to myself, "maybe this is it…this is the reason why I got left behind. God wanted to point me to the right direction." It was the very first thing I ever took seriously in my life. I was so determined to give it my best shot, I said, "I'm going to win this competition, no matter what." Yes, I have joined the same competition a couple of years before but what made that particular competition different was that I felt like it was the only "saving grace" I got. I prayed, day and night, and every chance I got. I prayed for a brilliant idea, I prayed for patience, and I prayed for success. And each time I prayed, I told God I'm doing it for him. I told him that I will relay whatever message he wants to deliver through me, through my movie. He granted me a brilliant idea that even my competitors appreciated. He granted me patience that even when it was raining hard and I needed to shoot a sunny scene, I waited for the skies to clear. But what he didn't grant me was success, which mattered most to me at that time. I finished the film, but the outcome didn't match the one I had envisioned. It ended up as though it were another failure. My team didn't make it to the top 6 in the competition, we remained at the top 9 out of 30 finalists. No matter how I tried to convince myself that I didn't fail, I still can't help but believe that I did fail…and God failed me. But as I reached the denouement of my frustration, I began to realize that when I said "I AM DOING IT FOR GOD", the fact that I was angry at him because I felt like HE FAILED ME, I was not really doing IT FOR GOD, but I was really DOING IT FOR MYSELF. I felt ashamed it's because my own lie turned on me. I was not really trying to convince God that I was doing the film for him, I was trying to convince myself that I was doing it for him. As my frustrations further fades away, I got a glimpse of how God accompanied me in that journey. I found out that from the day I began conceptualizing the short film, till the last day of editing, he was with me. How? I was running out of ideas where to get my actors for the film, and I had limited budget. It was just 3 days before the first shooting day that I got the idea to get a differently abled person to play the main role. And then I met JOY. She was nothing like the girl I envisioned to be playing the main role of my film, but I thought, she's PERFECT for the role. I just knew that the reason why I never envisioned putting someone like her into the film is that she was just too BRILLIANT for my creative sense to conceive. And what even struck me about her is that despite her lacks, she had this unfading smile on her face that will give any person the impression that no matter what happens, she'd still have that smile on. As I got to know him more, when we started filming, I found out that who she REALLY is transcends that SMILING FACE. She has that distinguished strength in her that puts US all behind her. The strength she showed me, gave me strength as well. Back then, I didn't feel that God was trying to appease my struggling soul, maybe because my mind was busy focusing on the film I was trying to put up. But today, I kept reminiscing those days. I wish I had been more aware that I was experiencing God's active participation in my life first hand and that I was so lucky it's because not all person get's to experience and realize that. None the less, I am still very happy, it's because now my trust in the higher being called God is stronger than ever. Remember when I tried to pray to God that I would relay whatever message he wanted me to deliver and that I wish him to grant me success? Weeks after I found out that we didn't make it to the top 6 in the competition, I went to the rehabilitation center for the handicapped where Joy resides to give her a copy of the short film. She showed it to the other handicapped residents, then she was excited to tell me that even the nuns were touched by the movie. Knowing that I have touched people's hearts, regardless of the number, I began to feel light and happier. My frustrations were single handedly crushed. Now I know that everything I prayed for were granted to me by God. Even success! I may not have succeeded by winning the competition, but I won a prize greater than any competition could ever grant, the hearts of the people I've touched and most of all, honor. God wanted me to deliver a message, and he didn't only relay it through my short film. The fact that you are reading this part of my blog already probably means that I got the message through. :-D
If you still haven't watched the shortfilm that I did last summer, and you're just a tad curious...check out my multiply videos...you'll find it there.
Let me tell you what I've learned about how THINGS occur in this universe. How success or failure manifest. I have discovered that a certain person can ONLY succeed in whatever it is that he or she does if his or her WILL is ALIGNED with God's WILL. I know that you've probably heard this a hundred times before. Some might just give it an indifferent shrug and then walk away. But, I bet most of you starts popping out the question, "how the heck do I know God's will". Well, finding out is really simple. In whatever you do, whether or not you like it, big or small, easy or hard, ALWAYS, give it your BEST shot. Exert your UTMOST WILL if you must. If you succeed despite the hardship and the hesitations, then it means God WILLED it too. As I've said, SUCCESS can only occur when your will is ALIGNED with God's will. Deduced in a simple mathematical equation, we have YOUR WILL + GOD's WILL = SUCCESS. If either of the components fall short, then there's no way success shall occur. We have to understand that whatever happens, God still makes the decision. This does not however, he will intervene every chance he gets. God, although he's got every right and power to do as he pleases, he will not DISRESPECT our FREE will. What he wants us to do is to ALIGN our plans to HIS plans. And when the convergence of his will and our will occurs, then success occurs. I know that a lot of people are still in the "proving God's existence" stage. But regardless of your belief in God's existence, regardless of the religion you have or regardless of how you call that FORCE that drives the universe (God, destiny, karma, etc.), it won't cease to exist. You may deny it all you wantbut that FORCE will continue to exist. And there's no way you can be in control of your own life, or that precious component of life called FREEWILL will cease to exist unless you know the "mechanics" of the "game". And what I have written herein may only be partly true or may not be entirely correct, but just as sure as there is a LAW of Physics, there are certainly, what I'd like to call "LAWs of life". Each day is a new chance for us to go out there and discover what they are. ;-D
This day marks the beginning of my journey as an artist. As I have mentioned before, I've always been involved with art even before I knew what the word ART really meant. But being an ARTIST entails a decision. A decision has to be made by an individual to pick the right path prior to the beginning of his journey. I pick ART as my path, and today, I decide to call myself an ARTIST. Today, I pick up my pencil, I pick up my sketchbook, pack up my back pack filled with dreams smudged with graphite and paint. Today, ART becomes my LIFE, and my LIFE becomes my ART. I am an ARTIST. And I never imagined that by merely calling myself that with bring such overwhelming happiness. Who is the ARTIST? I have realized that an artist is a traveler. He has no identity, but he has a soul. His soul is the very source of his art. And art is the very essence that gives him life. A true artist may PREFER a particular medium over another but the ART he can produce is NEVER LIMITED to ONE medium. That is because if one is an artist, he or she can whip ART out of virtually anything…be it a scrap of metal, a sheet of glass, a blob of paint, chunks of words, a sway of the hips, a whistle of the vocal cords or a stroke of graphite. An artist will always be an artist. He or she may come with many nick names…a poet, a dancer, a painter, singer…but an artist comes only with one name…ARTIST. I have realized that the artist is a traveler, and ART is the road he is traveling on. Art...according to me. Art are recreations of certain pieces that make up reality, and then put together by the artist to reveal a tangible or perceivable representation of the his soul. EXERCISING the ability to create ART is also bringing out the GOD that is in us. Emphasis on EXERCISING, since all of us really has the ability to create ART. Recall that God created us in his own image and LIKENESS. Which means there is a part of us that is GOD. And our ability to RE-CREATE is certainly one of the God characteristics or what I'd like to call a God seed that he planted in us. What most of us probably don't know is that by creating ART, we are pleasing God. It is a higher form of WORSHIP. It is because creating ART is PRAISING that which is existent, recognizing that it is an ARTWORK of God, and by sewing pieces of recreations based on these existing artworks, we come up with something NEW and that NEW ART is in a way a CONTINUATION of God's CREATION process. Therefore, we can really also see art as a continuing CREATION process, but the only difference is that we are participating in it. "God rested on the seventh day", as said in the bible. Yes, he must have rested on the seventh day, but the work didn't stop there. But we continued it for him.
I'd like to share to you a poem written by an anonymous author that helped motivate me to NOT quit. I dunno if you've heard it or read it but I'm going to post it here today because I thought it might inspire you too. :-D DONT QUIT When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road your trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and its turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When they might have won, had they stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victors cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when your hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit!
I just opened a new wordpress account where i would be posting my technical blogs. Primarily, blogs about my works-in-progress and maybe some Maya tips and tricks. This is one of the steps I'm taking towards improving my "CRAFT". I heard this nice song entitled Sophia (check it out in the latest album i created here) by Nerina Palot (pronounce d as Palow...i guess). It kind of inspired this new project of mine that I call by the same name...Sophia. Here's the concept/sketch that I did months ago.  I started modeling (3d) Sophia weeks ago. Still haven't finished modeling it since I'm new to low-resolution modeling/subdivision surface modeling. Sophia would be the first character i would be modeling in Maya using subdivision surface and sculpted using Mudbox. Anyways...enough of the technical bla blas and here are some sample renders of Sophia. This is the RAW, untextured model. I still have to put on skin texture and hair when I finish modeling. I have to warn you, there's nudity here...no kids are allowed to view the following images...char! Hahah.     
I could never stress enough how BUMPY my RECENT ride was (which is really not the topic of today's blog so ama shut up about it...)! I struggled through unemployment and I was just a millimeter close to loosing my DREAM. But then also recently I made the most important and the most cruicial step of my life (so far)...getting a job...at a CALL CENTER. You see I have this ABILITY that makes me see what is about to happen to me, and when that event actually happens it's like I'm no longer surprized because I already knew. And this is one of those events I foresaw. I struggled...I wiggled...but then it just led me straight to the hole. No offense to US(US means WE...since I'm technically a call center agent now) call center agents but this isn't my dream job. Anyway, what I really didn't forsee is that there's going to be a reason behind all this and that this will actually be one of the vehicles that'll take me one step closer to reaching my dream...to become a CG artist!
I was desperate...I was willing to take any IT related job. And just thinking about doing CG as a profession is just slowly slipping away. It didn't matter where I'd work, just as long as it was IT related it's because I didn't wanna end up in a call center. It was like shooting blindly in the dark. I stopped...reflected...asked myself..."What would Einstein do???"...No! Not "WORK IN A CALL CENTER!!!" On second thought...it might just be the most brilliant thing to do for now. First, because I'm BROKE...as in not a PESO in my pocket. And my mom just couldn't emphasize enough how she would not support me in any way since it was me in the first place who DEMANDED to be INDEPENDENT. And so, I am independent...in the most sarcastic way she could ever mean. Companies from Manila called me for interviews but then as I've said, I'm broke. So, I can't go to Manila for the interviews, so I turned them all down even before I got the job offer...silly me. And now, the call center option comes in...the pay's not that good but it'll help me save up just a little, there's not much pressure on the job and there's really no need for me to take home left over work, best of all...i don't have to spend a dime to get relocated in another city! Since the contract is in effect for 6 months, I could save up at the same time take an online CG related course and brush up on my CG skills! Since I'd have to come up with a good Demo reel anyway to get a CG related job, I think working in a call center for 6 months while working on that demo reel wouldn't be such a bad idea!
I am determined now more than ever to chase after my dream. I've been dreaming of doing something like this as a profession since I was a kid. I didn't know how I could get there and back then technology wasn't as advanced and as sophisticated as today, but I had this gut feeling even back then that this was the exact path I am going to trudge in. Now that I at least have a glimpse of how to get THERE, I am more encouraged to make the right steps. It might actually take long for me to reach my dreams but I guess what's really important is GETTING there. No one ever said there's going to be a DEADLINE. If it's my destinty then it's my destiny.
I created my online portfolio a few weeks ago, which was good pero I wasn't too impressed with it so I re-did the whole thing and I just launched the new version of the Draftbeer Initiative this morning. Check it out. The url is http://www.thedraftbeerinitiative.co.nr.
| To HER | Oct 17, '07 5:38 AM
for everyone |
Listen to me sing... coz words can lie and even my actions could never tell you the truth. But when I sing, you shall hear my soul speak. And I could never reveal the whole of me anymore than I could unfold myself to you through the simplest song.
 When can one tell that he or she truly loves another? LOVE is one of those words we use to supposedly express our feelings towards others. Is it an emotion? Is it synonymous to attraction? Or is it just a word, a cliché that one wears like a worn out jeans or vintage shirt just so they can say “I belong”. To tell you frankly, I have never really LOVED anyone in my life. That is a sad fact that I’ve just come into terms with recently. You might think, who am I to talk about love if I haven’t experienced it for myself. I thought I have. But then, there is a very big chance that you yourself haven’t experienced it FOR REAL which means, you’re just as caught up in denial and self-deception as I was. So today, I’m writing this blog to tell you about what I think about LOVE, dissect it to its very core, in the hope that the next time you’re about to mention the word LOVE, you’d put a little more prudence to it or perhaps a dash of sincerity. If you’d ask around how people would describe love, their answers would commonly fall into three categories: A) Superficial attraction B) Need and C) Total Surrender. Superficial Attraction  If you happened to hear a person describing love as “a many splendored thing”, then that definition falls under this category. Love might be a lot of things but it’s certainly not a “many splendored thing”. That’s just an idea put up by some silly classical singer. “Splendor” is something that melts your heart, sweeps you off your feet, let’s you feel like you’re walking amongst the clouds and all that jazz. “Splendor” put simply is superficial, something that can be seen instantaneously by the naked eye. Now I pop the question…”is this really an accurate definition of love?” Don’t be so quick to judge!
Yesterday, I had lunch with this new friend of mine in the university, her name’s Anne. She told me about this crush of hers, how she’s drawn to him, how she loved it when they talked about “stuff” over Yahoo messenger and in person. She also told me how the guy doesn’t feel the same way as she does, in fact when she started flirting with him; he started exhibiting that “repulsed” behavior. She said she’s afraid she’s just going to be more and more drawn to him. I told her that there is one way she could snap out of it. I said that if she used the method I’m about to recommend to her, 99% guaranteed she’ll never ever think about him for the rest of her life (well of course there’s still that 1% possibility that the method fails). She was dying to know so, finally, I told her. I’m sure you’re also dying to know, so I’m going to tell it to you too! So, if you ever find yourself in the same situation as Anne, feel free to use this method. Ok here goes. Step 1: Find a quiet place at home or just about any place that’s quiet. Step 2: Imagine the guy you are so “in love” with in a beautiful park. It was quiet and peaceful. There were no other people in the park, just you two. Besides the chirping of the birds, and the wind blowing, the place was so serine, you could hear each other breathing. You look at his face, he was so adorable. He was almost perfect. Until you heard a terrible noise! Then the air started to smell foul. It seemed like the guy you were so in love with j ust farted. You look at him and he still had that lovely smile on his face. Then, you noticed, the air just got fouler and fouler. You noticed something just dropped on the lawn in front of you. OMG! The guy just pooped!!! It was yellowish, wet, smelly crap! He bends down, and picks up his crap…then to your surprise…he eats it! Anne, hearing my therapeutic advice, was disgusted and she didn’t even want to hear more of it. It wasn’t really just a simple remedy to her problem. It was more of a test. Laugh at it all you can, but what I just told you is a simple and practical test of finding out if you LOVE a person or you’re just attracted to the person. The guy (or a girl if you’re a guy imagining a girl) in the visualization exhibited behavior that is the total opposite of “splendor”. Now if you were able to stand the sight of him or her eating crap, then congratulations! You belonged to the 1% failure rate; that means you passed the test which I’d like to call the “Superficial Attraction Test”! Does that mean you love the guy or girl? Again, don’t be so quick to judge! Read on!
Need
Both men and women have the tendency to CLING. The CLINGING behavior is an indication of NEED. People cling to people because they have NEEDS. And this very much applies to “Love”. I enclosed it in quotes because most people who say they “Love” another person only meant they NEED the person. This happens a lot. It happens within the family, in the church (in any religion) or between couples. This transcends SUPERFICIAL ATTRACTION, is it the more accurate definition of love? Is NEEDING or CLINGING bad or good? If you passed the superficial attraction test, don’t celebrate just yet. There is a large possibility that you passed the superficial attraction test not because you truly love the person but because you simply cannot live without the person. In other words, the girl or the guy is just too precious a commodity to let go, therefore you’re willing to COMPROMISE in order to sow the benefits. 
The most common example of NEEDING that we are very much familiar with is “status” or “monetary” needing. Women, in my opinion have a higher tendency to have these types of needing. And I say this with as little gender bias as possible. We see it almost everyday, and virtually everywhere. When you walk down the street, you see this petite lady with that irresistibly “exotic” beauty clinging to a 6 footer slightly older (just about 50 or 60 years older) Caucasian guy. That pretty much exhibits “status” and “monetary” needing all in one couple. When a Chinese girl or guy is forced by the family to marry another Chinese girl or guy, it still exhibits “status” or “monetary” needing or both. Yes, it is obligatory but it still falls under the NEED category since the people involved in this kind of relationship allowed it to happen in the first place. No one is compelled to do an action even if forced to do so without some level of NEED involved. Another example of NEEDING which is less common is the “saving face” needing. This commonly occurs in relationships that have spanned for a very long time. Say, a couple has been together for a very long time, 5 years for example. And then either the girl or guy or both are no longer happy with the relationship, it has in fact gone awry. And either of them or both thinks, “oh it’s just normal in a relationship”. Well, to tell you frankly (from my point of view at least), it’s not. And don’t you ever tell me that if I “love” the person I have to “sacrifice” because I’ll tell you straight in the face, “that’s crap!” That’s not SACRIFICE! It’s MASOCHISM at best and SUICIDE at worst! You know why it’s crap? Later, I’ll tell you so read on. There’s this other type of NEEDING I’d like to call the “familial” needing. It doesn’t circulate solely within the family but also within “faith” (since God is also considered part of the family or at least from my point of view). We often tell our parents that we “love them” and 90 percent of the time, we don’t mean it. And don’t you ever tell me it’s not true because that’ll be denial! Anyway, I’m guilty of this. And it is one of the reasons why I started questioning myself “am I really capable of loving?” I thought I loved my family but I’ve come to realize that I couldn’t live without them not because I loved them but because they provided me shelter and they satisfied my every need. I guess this is just the same as me saying “I love God” but then it might not really be true. It’s just me saying, “I need God”. And I know for certain that a lot of people are guilty of this. They go to church every Sunday or Sabbath to do their OBLIGATIONS in return of a favor. Some are even more “thick faced”, they just cry out loud and crawl on the filthy floors of the church when they needed God to perform a miracle. Now I throw the question to you, “are you capable of loving? Or are you just needy?”
Total Surrender You’ve probably heard a hundred people say that “love is sacrifice”, but then I say to you, there’s more than a hundred ways to TWIST that fact. As I’ve mentioned earlier, people who have the “saving face” type of needing would say “love entails sacrifice”. I couldn’t agree more, but one has to know when to call an action “sacrifice” and when to identify it as just “being masochistic”. Ok, this is the part where I’d give you my own definition of “LOVE”. Love for me is FREEDOM. No, it’s not paradoxical. It’s PLAIN and SIMPLE…LOVE is FREEDOM. There are two words you need to take note of, LOVE and FREEDOM. They come together. Yes it is true that when you love a person you need to set him or her free…everyone knows that, it’s a cliché. But that’s not it. When you LOVE, you are also SETTING YOURSELF FREE. You know why? I’ll tell you why. I remember this movie I’ve watched last Sunday, which I really loved by the way. It’s entitled “Waking life”. There were two characters in the movie and they were talking about how the universe is just following the laws of Physics. Observe the galaxies, the movement of the planets, how the sea waves are affected by the gravitational pull of the moon, how everything is so intricately designed. There is no doubt that there’s an ARCHITECT to it all. And most of us would call him GOD. But then the issue of FREE WILL comes in. If EVERYTHING in the universe is just following a certain course, what makes us think that US humans are not just following the very SAME COURSE? We are made up of the same atoms and molecules as any other object or living thing in this universe! We are part of the same NATURE, aren’t we? It means we are NOT FREE! The notion gave way to a very SENSIBLE answer. I realized that it is true, WE ARE NOT FREE. But LOVE answers it all. LOVE sets us free! I’m not saying this to be CORNY and POETIC. And most certainly, I’m not on DOPE! If you recall in psychology class, there was this theory that says Man is all INSTINCTS. It might be true, man is just an animal after all. Therefore man is simply not capable of LOVING. He’s just capable of doing that which pleases him. LOVE sets man free it’s because by LOVING he is defying his very NATURE. By defying his NATURE, he is exercising his FREE WILL. He is not merely following the course of nature, but he is actually making his own choices. Ok, let’s go back to the very first question I asked you at the beginning of this blog, When can one tell that he or she truly loves another? When can you truly say that you love your girlfriend or boyfriend? When can you truly say that you love your mom? I guess the answers will come rushing in when you see someone suffering of an illness or otherwise. Remember the vision you see in the Superficial Attraction test? Imagine your girlfriend, your boyfriend or mom going through Alzheimer’s disease or some other disease that caused him or her to be disoriented to the point that he or she would actually eat his or her poop. If in this situation you choose to stick by him or her, if in situations like these you’d rather take on his or her burden and if you’d actually be willing to do all these beyond need, then you can truly say that you are capable of loving. This is the kind of love that “totally surrenders”. Totally surrenders oneself, and one’s life. And by surrendering there’s that feeling of happiness and freedom instead of constraint. You see, True love sets people free it is because it doesn’t make masochists out of them, but it let’s them choose to do sacrifices out of their own free will. Now, when can you truly say that you love God? This morning, I asked forgiveness from God for saying that I love him but truth is, I just don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Satanist or an agnostic. I ADORE God, but I guess I’m just not worthy enough to say “I love him”. I guess you can only sincerely say that you love God if you could imagine yourself experiencing the humiliation and pain that Jesus went through right before he was nailed to the cross. I simply couldn’t. I know that a lot of people would be so quick to say that they too can endure all the pain Jesus went through, if you’re one of them then reflect. If you think you could go through all that then how is it that you can’t go out of your way to buy a beggar a piece of bread? If you could go through all what Jesus had then why is it so hard for you to forgive people who have offended you in the past? These are just little things that you can’t do, whatever made you think you could go through what Christ went through? And you were so quick to say “I love God”. Do you really? Now I ask you, which of the categories of the definitions of love is the more appropriate one? I think True love requires ALL three: superficial attraction, need and total surrender. There’s nothing wrong with superficial attraction. And to love another most certainly needs a certain level of NEEDING. But it all culminates to total surrender. When you’ve reached the point where you’re ready to surrender yourself totally to another person, then that’s when you can say “I love you” with utmost sincerity. Wouldn’t that sound blissful if you knew that the other person said those words with such sincerity?
| Music | Sep 8, '07 10:08 AM
for everyone |
Oh sweet music, drown my miseries with thy melody Save me from the deafening sound of my guilt Wash away the haunting whispers of my regrets. Oh sweet sweet music, teach my soul to shy away, Shy away from this place… I wish not be in this crowded space, My mind’s just too full of clutter and my heart is ready, Ready to explode into a million fragments. Oh sweet music compel me to cry, I’ve held back too much tears already, I’m slowly turning into stone. Oh sweet music, help me drift into sleep, Because dreamland is the only place I'm safe at peace, A place where pretentions cannot conquer myself, A place where I can be happy.
I have made it a habit to write down all my favorite lines from the movies I’ve recently seen and save it into my computer. It’s been a long time since a proverbial line had caught my ear. Tonight, I watched Evan Almighty and I once again found the opportunity to add something to my compilation of favorite movie lines. And it goes: “If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? God gives them an opportunity to be patient. And if one would pray for courage, God does not zap courage into them, he gives them an opportunity to be courageous. ..” Well, that’s how it goes, more or less. Hearing that, I said to myself, “it makes perfect sense!” I was especially struck by this line, it’s because all this time I’ve imagined God to be all knowing and almighty that he could do things magically if we ask for something and fooof the package’s right behind the fat white smoke. Well, he can do that but there are a lot of things that he wants to consider. Like free will for instance. God gave us free will and he doesn’t want to violate that. Although he’s God and he created us, he most certainly have all the right in the universe to do anything that he wants but he won’t it’s because he respects us, and more importantly, he loves us. So, what he does is that he ALLOWS certain events to happen to give way for our requests. But we have to take note that God does not CAUSE bad things to happen. Like when a tragedy happens, he didn’t cause it, he ALLOWS it to happen. It’s either WE (and by WE I mean us or another person) caused it or the DEVIL caused it. Since this is my blog, I’m entitled to talk about my life a little bit in relation to my topic for today, opportunities. Well, I used to do this “thing” (which I am not going to disclose in public) which is off the scale BAD. It’s as if temptation doesn’t need to come to me, because I am almost submitting myself into temptation. Most of the time I attempt to “submit” myself, I fail. I fail 8 times out of 10 attempts. And each failure reminds me that before I start my day I always pray to God “Lord, let everything that happens today, happen according to your will.” I then realize that I failed to sin it’s because God gave me an opportunity to NOT self destruct which means his WILL apply and not mine. And what happens on those 2 instances where I got what I wanted? Evil succeeds, I please myself for a moment, but then I fail someone else, God. After the pleasure, misery comes clouding in like a part of me just died, for the nth time. I have recently learned that God had given me numerous opportunities to taste pain so that I will grow that desire to change and be a better man, but not letting it pour too much pain on me that it’ll actually devastate me. The next time you pray for something, don’t expect the answer to come knocking on your door or drop down from the sky in a fancy package. It’s true, there are only three possible answers to your prayer…YES, NO and WAIT. But you can’t expect God to spell it out for you. He gave you intellect, you should know how to decipher the code, or simply learn how to LISTEN. It may not be the answer that you wanted; but you won’t see the better view unless you cross the fence. Take your time to experience the opportunity God gives you because someday, you’ll realize that you have become a better person because of that.
| Himig | May 22, '07 12:26 AM
for everyone |
Finally, after all the kamalasan I've been. I've finished my shortfilm. It may not be the best but I'm happy with it. And that's all that matters. If you wanna watch the better quality version download it here. But for those who have slow internet connection, or just plain impaitient, watch it in youtube. Thanks! And please do leave some comments...good or bad...they're both welcome. :-D
About a week ago, I came across this video which amused me and at the same time made me wish I'd be able to work in a company just like the one in the video. What you're about to watch is a video taken in an office during office hours. I'm not gonna say anymore and just let you watch it for yourselves. I hope you'd enjoy it as much as I did. ;-D
By the way, in case you'd ask what the title of the song is, it's Paranoia by Greenday.
Lip Dub - Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger from amandalynferri
For the second time, I've decided to join ImagineCup Shortfilm invitational. The first time was 2005. We proposed to create a full 3d shortfilm and fortunately we made it to the 2nd round. I guess we were the only Filipino team who attempted to join the competition. Unfortunately, I underestimated the rendering phase of the project and with a sluggish PC like mine, there is no way I would have finished the rendering(which is essentially the last phase) in one week. One week? Rendering? Yeah, if you're a pro, you'd probably say..."you need your fairy godmother to do that kiddo!" Well, that was my first attempt to create a 3d animation. Nice try though. This year, I'm proposing to come up with a shortfilm that's not CG. Nor does it have fancy effects. But, (as I repeatedly say in the ImagineCup forums), it will definitely touch your heart. If you wanna check out our storyboard, it's here. Suggestions are most definitely welcome. The theme is "Better education through technology". I've recieved a number of emails from co-participants in the ImagineCup saying they like our concept. And I'm happy that they did. I'm proud of it. I hope that the finished product would be great. I'd upload it here so that you guys would be able to check it out. That's if we finished it on time. By the way, there was another Filipino team who submitted a storyboard, I guess they were from Mapua University. I haven't seen their entry, as it is not allowed for us to check out entries from the same country. But a friend of mine from Indonesia (Chaz) said there was another Philippine team but didn't make it to the top 30 (out of 160 teams from around the world). And out of the 30 teams who made it to the second round, my team is RANK 9! Hahahah. I'm so proud. Thanks to all who voted. Just a while ago, Tim of Microsoft Philippines called me up to offer me some assistance. I asked him if he could pull some strings for us, refer us to people who would lend us their equipment for a cheap price but he said, they only had connections in Cebu. But he said, he'd contact some people in my University to lend us their equipment and allow us to take it outside of the University. I hope they'd give the support we need. I'm desperate! We need to start shooting next week, before the rainy season starts. I hope and pray that we'd be able to pull through. I'd be needing your prayers too. We got a good chance you know. And I'd give my best efforts to come up with an excellent shortfilm that our country would be proud of. I'm proud to be a Filipino, and I wanna show the rest of the world that we're good. Cheers! ;-D 
Finally, after weeksof brooding, I have something sensible and interessting to blog about. I was in my History class just a while ago and I overheard my classmates talking about this video from YouTube. And they kept mentioning this word. I thought it was porn (the word they kept on mentioning sounded porn-ish anyway) so it caught my precious attention. Call me "porn addict" if you must but anyway, that's not what I'm here to talk about. Moving on, I found me a seat in the center lounge (which by the way is dominated by the non-CS students not to mention a whirlpool of incoming freshmen now-a-days), and I searched the keyword in YouTube. I wanna make it convenient for you guys, so you won't have to search for it, here's the link. Before you go on reading, I would recommend you watch the whole clip first or the rest of the "blah blahs" in this blog entry would look giberish to you. Watched the clip? Cool! No, I mean not the clip...not cool at all! Now, after watching the video, you must be feeling a little light headed and there is a 60-50 chance of you becoming a vegetarian. The question that's probably lingering in you head right now is "what the heck happened there?" Well, first off, that video was taken in Poso which is located in the northeastern coast of Sulawesi province in Indonesia (hence the odd language). Those people you saw wrapped in white cloth, whose brains were ripped off of their heads, and several others whose body parts were detatched; are those who got in the middle of the seemingly perpetual "religious conflict" between the christians and the muslims. You see, this conflict have been going on since December of 1998 and after only 3 years, death count soared from 1000 to 2500 with thousands more injured! Geez, i can only imagine how many survived with their ears just slashed off, or their back's skin scraped off! I've learned in a comparative study of religions in my History 222 class (credit goes to Maam Chan for such a well taught class!) that Christianity and Islam may have several differences but there is one thing they commonly teach, and that's PEACE. What's ironic about the killings in Poso is that both Christians and Muslims are not only sacrificing lives but they are also distorting PEACE! It's like they're trying to invalidate Webster's definition of the word PEACE and give it a whole different meaning, making it synonymous to GORE or more appropriately DEATH. You might say, I'm talking like I'm some sort of a political guru. In fact, I don't really know the root cause of the catastrophe. I don't wanna know either! But you've seen the video right? And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to say that what happened in Poso CANNOT be justified. You can watch the video again and again but you won't see PEACE anywhere. Did you see PEACE say "hi" somewhere in the video? No? I thought so too. If PEACE were a person (which is easier to catch by the way as compared to an abstract concept), that's probably the last place he or she'll be. What's even more painful is seeing the helpless old people and the innocent children having their throats ripped with a dull rusty knife and having their flesh sliced like cheap cow meat. Do these children know about religion? I thought I heard you say no. I thought so too! Just look at those dead children as our chance at making this world a better place. One by one their lives are being claimed by those self-proclaimed PEACE FIGHTERS. To tell you frankly I'm both disgusted and angry at what I saw. But in the name of PEACE I won't curse those fridgid killers. Here's what I've got to say to them, "I hope and I pray that you'll get the peace that you seek." If PEACE were a commodity, and looking at the many corpses lying in the Poso video, we'll see how expensive it is. And looking at the millions of deaths caused by religious conflicts around the world, and millions more that will be claimed in the days to come, we see just how cheap a man's life is. Well, if you look at PEACE that way. But PEACE is never a commodity. It means LIVING. It means living in HARMONY with others. And most importantly, living with YOURSELF. 
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